How to Neutralize arguments
Do you find yourself entering into arguments with your kids that leave you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed? This is common whether you’re parenting toddlers or pre-teens. Arguing is a way that kids try to gain power and get their own way – and they are often very determined to do so! Especially during times of transition and stress, like settling into a new home or school, patience wears thin and arguments can drain the family’s sense of wellbeing.
Kids need to feel a sense of their own power as well as a sense of firm boundaries. So the first step is to find ways they can have appropriate power – give them choice and freedom where you can - “Would you like to wear your blue shirt or your red one?” or “Would you like to do homework at the table or at the desk?” However, when you do set a firm boundary, such as “when all your homework is finished, then you may play games” you need your parental power without the exhausting and divisive arguments!
To neutralize arguments, one trick is to “go brain dead” – don’t think, just repeat the same line over and over – such as “I know and what did I say?” This means you do not enter into the argument and you do not try to outwit your angry child with reasons and explanations. Even if they are trying to be logical about why they should get their way, they are usually not coming from a place of logic but from a place of emotion. So your logic will never win them over! Simply and calmly repeat the exact same line when they argue. Choose one that works for you – ideas include “I love you too much to argue,” “How sad,” or “I know and what did I say.” Say it with compassion and sincerity.
Pick your battles wisely - set firm boundaries when they are necessary and logical, then use the brain dead technique to neutralize ensuing arguments. Where you can offer choice, offer it, so that children feel a sense of power and freedom. Hopefully, using this technique, you and your family will feel more peaceful as the arguing becomes less!
Cindy Cleary
Elementary School Counselor
American School of Bombay
Kids need to feel a sense of their own power as well as a sense of firm boundaries. So the first step is to find ways they can have appropriate power – give them choice and freedom where you can - “Would you like to wear your blue shirt or your red one?” or “Would you like to do homework at the table or at the desk?” However, when you do set a firm boundary, such as “when all your homework is finished, then you may play games” you need your parental power without the exhausting and divisive arguments!
To neutralize arguments, one trick is to “go brain dead” – don’t think, just repeat the same line over and over – such as “I know and what did I say?” This means you do not enter into the argument and you do not try to outwit your angry child with reasons and explanations. Even if they are trying to be logical about why they should get their way, they are usually not coming from a place of logic but from a place of emotion. So your logic will never win them over! Simply and calmly repeat the exact same line when they argue. Choose one that works for you – ideas include “I love you too much to argue,” “How sad,” or “I know and what did I say.” Say it with compassion and sincerity.
Pick your battles wisely - set firm boundaries when they are necessary and logical, then use the brain dead technique to neutralize ensuing arguments. Where you can offer choice, offer it, so that children feel a sense of power and freedom. Hopefully, using this technique, you and your family will feel more peaceful as the arguing becomes less!
Cindy Cleary
Elementary School Counselor
American School of Bombay